Practical and subjective guide for Dutch men interested in this topic to let them know what awaits them.

My old friend Renata, rediscovered after decades, or even entire centuries [dear Ewa, we are not that old yet! – Renata] which have passed since the completion of our studies – presently a worthy author of the majority of (Polish language) texts on this website, set me the task. She asked me to write text about “how to survive with the Dutchman”. – We do not give money but fame – she said. Not for the ordinary Mammon then but for the glory reaching the sea, and at least one North Sea and the smaller polders, I do perpetrate the following text.

As it is commonly known, the reasons of many serious conflicts are small, silly misunderstandings which originate in the lack of knowledge of some things. Or person. In this particular case – my person (as Polish politicians like to say about themselves), or me (as I am still used to say as I don’t aspire to be a member of the parliament, and even local government).

So my noble friend posed the question that should be reversed and sound: “how to survive with me – a mental and real Pole”? And not: “how to survive with the Dutchman”? With the Dutchman every woman can withstand easily. Or at least like me, who had already two husbands. Polish men, what is the cause of significant importance.

Therefore, as I have already said, I had two husbands. (This fact alone in the country on the Vistula River, called Poland, qualifies me, along with other ladies belonging to the elite club, to be tied in bunches, put into containers with “Made in China” writing and sent to a desert or poorly populated island. So that we can meditate in quiet on our collapse.)  As a woman who has collapsed twice (according to Polish standards) I decided to persevere in the search for the one that will put up with me. But no longer in Poland. I chose the Netherlands which is a country highly tolerant in the sphere of morality.

My perseverance and determination have been awarded so for 5 years I have been in an ungodly relationship with the Dutchman. And nothing indicates that this compound is to be sanctified. Well, unless by a notary, but I don’t know if the holy notary in the Netherlands can be found. Note from Renata (2020): they are already married.

Miss Piggy

I have been so charmingly nicknamed by my personal Dutchman. And this is due to the fact that on the scale of emotions 1-10 achieving 10 takes only a nanosecond. Back to 1 about 10 minutes. Emotional craziness and the Himalayas of fury is a national characteristic of Polish women, which in my case is represented in full 100 %. So to survive with a Polish woman, dear Dutchmen, do what my partner does – hide behind a newspaper, a book, laptop, TV set or run to the toilet. And hidden well this way – wait safely up to the end of explosion. But don’t try to solve the problem that led to the outbreak! The result of such an attempt can lead to an even greater fury (if at all possible yet) and certainly slow, but inevitable disintegration of the relationship. On the picture: Polish author and a Dutch cheese.

Holy time “dinner”

In the Netherlands the best time for shopping is between 6 pm and 7 pm because shops are lacking of clients. This time is in that country a holy time. It’s time for dinner or rather a warm supper. At this time a smell of food rises above towns and villages of the Netherlands.

What concerns our house – it happens or not. For the average Polish lady having supper afternoon is hard to accept as at 9 pm she is hungry again, and this doesn’t do not well to her hips! So in our case the holly and constant dinner time became un-constant, what made my poor personal Dutch man suffering indigestion and disorders in the digestive system for several times. Happily he survived and is accustomed to it now.

Dear Dutch men – I know you find this hard to believe me but trust me. You can have warm supper at a time of supper, at 8 pm for instance, not risking your life. And for initial gastric problems I recommend you loperamid. The cheapest one is available in Lidl.

Korting will save you

Polish women love to cook and look nice. (Me too, as I do not give up, despite the external and hormonal difficulties.) Those both activities, unfortunately, require quite a big money and both increase proportionally to the age of the lady. The latter activity particularly intensifies quickly. Meanwhile the Dutch people with their raw Calvin mentality are at the end of the list of nations willing to spend money. Especially on food, cosmetics and clothes. In my subjective opinion cosmetics and clothes are not the main interest of typical Dutch woman. They rather rely on physical prowess, without enhancers. Although I could be wrong. Maybe it’s time to change glasses?

So dear Dutch men – how to spend money without spending them? In this case help comes to you with the magic word “korting”. Without korting nothing can be sold in the Netherlands.

You have only convince your Polka [a Polish woman] that hunting for sales is very fashionable and reflects modernity. If you succeed in it – you will manage. You will survive.

Bike and turn right

Poland – on the contrary to the Netherlands – is not a country famous for the bike paths. In relation with a Polish lady it may cause some problems. Like in my case.

Bike is a precious thing for me so I use it with a big respect. It means once in about ten years. And when I already bike I do it with a dignity, carefully examining every inch of ground in front of me to avoid making my clothes dirty in a case of an unexpected “closer contact with the ground”. As I have already mentioned, Polish women like to look good. Moreover, the best for me is to go straight on. If turn – to the left only and the small arc. I can’t manage the right direction and the one I can do is to get down from the bike and turn it manually in the desired direction.

My personal Dutchman regrets over it and spares no effort to convince me that bike should be used more frequently and with a speed 10 km/h fall down doesn’t cause death. Unfortunately I resist.

Never give up with the bike!

My advice to you, dear Dutch men – look at your cars with a different eye. Polish eye. Four wheels are something more than two. But don’t lose hope either. Maybe one day your dearest Polish partner will say: let’s make a bike excursion somewhere? And visualize the scene. It helps.

The list of disadvantages in relation with a Polish lady is much longer. Below I name only the most serious ones:

• • Redundant and unjustified use of the clutch in your car, which may result in the need to replace that item (see korting)

• • Incurable passion for possessing and care of the garden and its continuous change (see: korting)

• • No tolerance for newspapers on the floor, cables under the dresser, shoes on the floor and the absence of the spacious closets (the latter see: korting)

• • Strong penchant for baking cakes in XXL size – you already know the danger!

• • Willingness to share thoughts with you in the evening when you use to watch your favorite sports program presenting several men laughing, drinking beer and talking about football

• • Inability to pronounce correctly Dutch words what Polish lady justifies by different construction of the throat glottis (while in fact she is not able to hoarse in a Dutch way)

• Continuous joyfulness when she hears Dutch “goede morgen” (good morning) or “goedenavond” (good evening) because the word “goede” is for her somehow obscene [Dutch pronunciation of “goede” reminds Polish vulgar name of penis – Renata].

And yes, you can still list in for a long time. Do not worry though, these burdens are bearable. And there is one key to the success with the Polish woman. What is it? Try to guess.

What I sincerely wish you, dear Dutch gentleman!

Ewa Grochowska

We wish to thanks the author for perpetrating this story!

Photo: the author’s archives